LESSON 5: STICKY SITUATIONS
OK, so you've read all of my columns and you're out cruising and you get pulled over by the getstapo. So what can you do to avoid an unpleasant night in the city lockup?
Well, let's look at a few scenarios:
ASSUMPTIONS: You already read my previous columns so you know not to have any guns, drugs, or weapons in your vehicle, you're NOT driving under the influence of ANYTHING, and your license, registration, and car insurance is all valid.
You're in your car and are either (a) talking to a girl on the street, (b) she's getting into your car and a cop drives by, or (c) you have the girl in your car. A cop gets behind you, turns on his lights and pulls up behind you or pulls you over. What do you do? Number 1, DON'T PANIC!! Keep your poise, have confidence, don't let the bastards see you sweat. If you read my other columns you don't have any outstanding warrants on you, nor do you have any guns, drugs, or any other illegal stuff in your car so you should be good, right? Hey it's not illegal to offer someone a ride, even in "High Prostitution Area". Normally, the cop will sit in his car for a few seconds, do some crap on his computer like run your license plate through ths system to see who you are (although he might have already done this while he was tailing you), then will SLOWWWWLY walk up to your driver's side window and stand just behind the driver's door with his hand on his firearm so he's got the drop on you but you can't really look him in the eye and are in a poor tactical situation. The first thing to do, if and while the cop is dawdling around in his car or when he's tailing you and checking your plates, if possible, is exchange a quick story with the girl. A good one that is hard to refute is that you were driving by and she waved you down and told you some guys were chasing her and asked you of you could give her a ride to somewhere safe, so you, being the good Christian that you are, had no choice but to say OK. Make sure you get the location straight where you say you picked her up because the cop WILL separate you and ask you both for your stories and they need to match. If they match, you are good to go, if they don't match then the cop's going to know someone is lying and you may get a warning or he's going to try and scare you - just remember this, at this point, YOU HAVE NOT BROKEN THE LAW!!! The stupidest thing you could possibly do is admit to an illegal activity, even under intense questioning. The cop is going to pressure you with shit like "If you just tell me the truth I'll give you a warning". Maintain your poise and stick to your story. Do not let the cop fluster you. Just make sure you have that 5 second story straight with the girls and chances are you'll be on your way with a stern and toothless warning from Barney Fife that if he catches you on "his" streets picking up prostitutes you'll go to jail. You can argue if you really want to get searched, but at this point it's best to just say "OK", and let it go and you'll be on your merry way. I strongly suggest you cancel your cruise for the night and go home, or simply go to another district for the rest of the night's crusing.
You just had a pleasant encounter with a girl, and you're taking her to where she wants to be dropped off, or she is getting out of the car, and you get pulled over. Same deal as in scenario 1, the cop did not witness anything illegal, so he really doesn't have shit on you. Try to get a story straight with the girl, if she's already out of the car this may not be possible, so maybe it's probably just better to say that you saw this girl walking through a dangerous neighborhood and you, the good samaritan, gave her a ride. Who knows what she's gonna say, and your stories are not going to match (unless you had the time to get one together), so don't be surprised if your car gets searched before they let you go. This is why you need to be clean. Be cooperative, and be consistent in your story. Do not show any hostility or argue. Just answer the questions you're asked and NEVER, EVER, EVER even suggest that you might have been doing something illegal.
Your'e parked in what you THOUGHT was a safe spot and you're getting down to business with a girl. A marked or unmarked police car drives right by you and you're pretty sure they saw you. One of two things are going to happen at this point, a) the cop is going to stop, shine his spotlight on you, get out, and approach your car, or b) the cop is going to drive on, park, get out, and attempt to stealthily approach on foot and catch you in the act. In case a, when he's shining the spotlight, it'd be in your best interest to get dressed as soon and stealthily as possible and hope that you can say you were just talking to this girl you just met. You're going to get searched, and if you and the girl have your stories straight, you might just get away with a warning. It's also quite possible that *if* the girl is a known prostitute, you are going to jail, no questions asked. In the case of the sneaking cop, you should have already been dressed and gone by the time that cop sneaks up to where you were parked. If not, and he sees what's happening in your car, you're sunk, and you and the girl are both going to jail. So the moral of the story is this: once you've been "Made" get dressed and get your ass out of there ASAP. Don't make any assumptions, just GO!!! This is by far the most dangerous of all the scenarios because you are in the act of committing a crime, that's why I suggest that you park well out of any high-crime/high prostitution areas, or use your, or a friends garage.
There are a number of complications that could occur. If the girl was carrying, and stashes her crack pipe or dope in your car at any time before the pull-over, and your car gets searched, you're fucked. If the girl rats you out for her own freedom, you're very probably fucked. If you fail to follow my advice and you get caught in the act, you're double-fucked. If you've got drugs, guns, or any other weapons in your vehicle and it gets searched, you're fucked. If you're visibly drunk or on drugs, you're fucked. Don't be a moron.
THE EVER-PRESENT "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" QUESTION:
Invariably, if you don't live in the area you're cruising (they'll know because they looked up your address based on your registration and/or license plate), and you get pulled over, one of the first things you're going to be asked is "what are you doing down here?". First off, remember that it's NOT ILLEGAL to drive, and you have the right to drive your car anywhere you want in the United States of America - for now - go ahead, elect another Republican, and that might change, but for now it's legal to drive your vehicle. If you know someone in the area, tell the cop that, and you have an excuse to be there. If not then make something up, you have insomnia and you like to drive to calm down and help get you ready for sleep. Your wife or girlfriend won't let you smoke in the house, so you go out for a drive, you just felt like taking a drive, whetever. Whatever you say will work just don't come up with some really stupid unbelievable shit. As a matter of fact, make up your story RIGHT NOW so it'll be ready if and when the time comes. The worst that's going to happen (if you're alone) is that the cop is going to issue yet another toothless warning not to cruise "his" area. The worst thing you could possibly say is something stupid like "YOUR AREA?, this is MY area". Just shut up, smile, and say "Yes Sir". If you havea girl with you see the scenarios above. Now in the case when you've already been warned off by the same cop, you're going to need to be a little more creative and say a nice prayer that he doesn't remember you and lets you go.
PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE 101:
The best defense to not getting harrassed is to not be seen often. It is impossible to cruise without being spotted by the police. They are *probably* not going to pull you over the first time they see you, but if they see you drive by 10 times in an hour, you can expect that they'll pull you over just to see what the hell you're doing. Plan a long crusiing route. If you see cops parked, just watching traffic, go around them on the side streets. If you see people getting pulled over left and right, and/or squads of cop cars, SWAT vans, and paddy wagons riding around, go home, it's bust night. Use common sense, the cops have a lot of duties and they probably don't have keeping an eye on you at the top of their priority list when motherfuckers are getting shot in that area every night.
PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE 201: DON'T DRIVE A PIECE OF CRAP:
Your vehicle has a lot to do with whether you get pulled over or not. If you're driving some rust bucket with 3 lights out and your muffler dragging on the ground, you are just BEGGING to get pulled over. Make sure all your lights and signals are working, and that there's nothing on your car that a cop could use for an excuse to pull you over. This includes a valid registration, up to date plates, and a valid driver's license. Another thing likely to raise some police eyebrows is windowless vans, and if you've got a mattress in the back, that's all the evidence they need and you are busted. So watch what you drive.
PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE 301: SITUATIONAL AWARENESS:
Know who's watching you. Be aware of who is where. Note the squad car numbers you see and note where the patrol cars and undercover cops are parked and surveilling. Pass once, then change your route to avoid them if possible. Know what a police car's headlights and taillights look like in the dark. At all times, whether parked or driving, look ahead, behind, and to the sides, don't get caught by the cops (or worse) unaware. Always maintain your tactical advantage. An ounce of prevention is better than a ton of cure.
So, in summary, use your head and common sense. Be careful and circumvent the cop's rules, and you can get out of just about any situation. The cops like to think they're smart, and some of them are (most are idiots, hence wanting to be a police officer), but once again, they are constrained by a strict set of rules, while we are not constrained by any. Keep a cool head and take the proper precautions, and pull-over's should not be a problem.
Happy hunting boys, see you on the streets...