Tart Trek: Episode one...........When is a thread not a thread?

[Mr Shagmeister]

These are the journeys of of an S+M fan with enterprise. My mission is to seek out and monger in new civilzations, to boldly monger where no man has mongered before!

As we meet our hero, Squadron leader Rex Shagmeister-smythe, he is hunting around in South Pattaya when he gets a cell-phone call from his mate Scotty.

Rex: Hi ya mate how you doing?

Scotty: Not so good pal

Rex: How so?

Scotty: I went into the chemists to buy some Viagra and they sold me a Thai copy called Dylithium Crystals. The crystals...... they're just no good! I'm burning up! I need a hard-on and my main thruster motor has stopped functioning!

Rex: How long 'til you can get enough of a floppy-on to get the job done Scotty?

Scotty: 30 minutes if I'm lucky Squadron Leader but I'm gonna have to try something very dangerous, something nobody has ever tried before! I'm gonna corner a Thai friend of mine in a bar and put intense pressure on her to buy me a drink!

Rex: What you're gonna try to mix matter with anti-matter?!

Scotty: Yes Squadron Leader

Rex: Best of British Scotty, if anyone can do it you can. Anyway I'm off. See ya and may the force be with you

Scotty: Hang on a minute

Rex: What?

Scotty: You're not supposed to say that are you?

Rex: Not supposed to say what?

Scotty:All that "may the force be with you" stuff. This is meant to be Tart Trek not Tart Wars!

Rex: Oh for fucks sake who gives a fuck! It's my thread and I can say what I want!

Scotty: Oh OK then, just checking. I'll be seeing you then.

Rex: OK see ya

Scotty: Ta rah then

Shagmeister-smythe then continues on his way down the soi when he bumps into another mongering colleague Spike. Spike is vulgar.

Rex: Spike, what are you up to?

Spike: I'm using a vulgar mind-meld to try to communicate with one of the bar girls.

Rex: Any good?

Spike: Not really, her ugly friend stole 500 baht out of my back pocket while I was in mind-meld-mode. Where are you going?

Rex: I'm headed down to Walking Street to find some totty.

Spike: Illogical Squadron Leader. My Tricorder readings suggest that there are hundreds of unusual life forms in that area. They appear to be naked and doing some kind of monstrous shuffle.

Rex: I'll be careful. Right I'm going. Nanu Nanu

Spike What's that?

Rex: What's what?

Spike: What kind of farewell is that. Nanu Nanu doesn't fit at all!

Rex: Oh not again! Just shut the fuck up OK! I'm getting fed up with this!

Spike: Don't get so touchy.

Rex: No probs. See ya.

Spike: Tatty bye.

The Squadron Leader finally reaches his destination, a popular go-go bar in South Pattaya. When inside he spots the maddest monger of them all, Dr McHoy.

Rex: Ahoy McHoy!

McHoy: Well hello there Rex old buddy.

Rex: What brings you out tonight Doc?

McHoy: Well in my official capacity as medical advisor to this a-go-go I'm carrying out STD checks on all the girls, and I can honestly say I haven't found one yet.

Rex: Well it's reassuring to know you haven't found a girl in here with an STD.

McHoy: No you plonker! I haven't found a girl in here yet WITHOUT an STD!

Rex: Oh shit! Pass the Penicillin!.........................

McHoy: Have you seen anything in here you like?

Rex: Yes, I've prebooked two glamours. I'm gonna grab 'em now and take 'em home.

McHoy: You know the young birds will only REALLY perform if they are impressed by the size of your weapon.

Rex: Don't worry Doc, my dick is set to stun!...................I'm getting horny I'm gonna go and find my dates.

McHoy: Right-y-ho goodbye, live long and prosper.

Rex: Hey hey, not so fast!

McHoy: What's the matter?

Rex: You don't say that "live long" bollocks, the pointy eared twat says that!

McHoy: But you said it doesn't matter if we mix things up and I've always wanted to be the one who says that.

Rex: I meant I could mix things up not you!

McHoy: S-O-R-R-Y!

Rex: I'm going, bye

McHoy: Toodle pip

And so it was that Shagmeister-smythe got to empty his Torpedo banks once more. All of this happened a long,long time ago in a galaxy far, far away........................................What's the fucking matter now! I've told you it's my fucking thread! There's only mongers reading this for fucking crying out loud! Mongers couldn't tell you the difference between Star Trek and Baywatch for fucks sake!..........................I'm pissed off now, I've had enough, I'm going home, I'm gonna close the thread................................. I always liked Lost In Space best anyway!



-have they gone?
-i think so
-so did you think it was a real thread?
-yeh, but it did seem a bit like a diatribe in places
-do you mean diatribe or dialogue?
-or verbal diarrhea!
-hey stop it, it wasn't that bad......who are we anyway? what are we
doing here?
-we're thread munchkins. you remember that computer guy i sent
round to fix your p.c.?
-yes
-well he sorted it so we could both be thread munchkins
-wot's a thread munchkin?
-it's great, you can visit any forum on the net and zapp yourself right
into the middle of anybody's thread. a thread munchkin is the most
anonymous thing in the universe. forget all that proxy server shit, this
is the real deal. no cyber police can ever find us because we never
leave any cyber footprints. it's brilliant, and we can abuse and
threaten anybody we want because the administrators can't find us
or throw us off the forum.
-i didn't know you like abusing people.
-i don't
-well wot's the point of being a thread munchkin then?
-i dunno...............it's just cool that's all. having so much power
-suppose so................. it really was a thread then?
-absolutely, 100% it was a thread, infact i've never seen anything
threadier
-is that a real word then?
-is wot a real word?
-threadier
-fucking sure it is, anyway we could pose that question next time we
crash this forum, start a new thread
-ok, but if nobody responds to this thread, and lets face it even a
dumb fuck monger isn't gonna reply to this thread, then is it still a
thread?
-for a while
-wot do you mean for a while?
-well there's a statute of limitations on threads. it was brought in with
all the other terrorist legislation after 9/11. after exactly 7 days if a
new thread gets no reply it's declassified.
-so wots it called then after it's stopped being a thread? after it's
been declassified
-hmmm, good question, i'll have to check the rule book.....................
............................i've got it, it becomes an archive thread.
-cool, and do you think a new thread has ever been declassified
exactly 7 days after it was first posted?
-i doubt it, who would want to post such an unpopular thread?
-dunno, but this thread could be the first. do they keep records on
this sort of thing?
-for sure. i bet there's a thread section in the guiness book of records
-well i'd love to be in that, i've never broken a world record before.
how do you think we could prevent anybody responding to this
thread for the whole 7 days?
-it's easy you dipstick. i told you that being a munchkin would come in
handy. we just frighten all the members into staying away from this
thread. they cant touch us.
-ok go on then abuse them.
-ok..........here goes.............RIGHT ALL YOU WANKERS, IF ANYONE
DARES TO POST A REPLY TO THIS THREAD THEN WE THE THREAD
MUNCHKINS WILL COME ROUND AND DROP A GRENADE DOWN YOUR
CHIMNEYPOT!! WE WILL DROP ACID IN YOUR FISH POND!! WE WILL
CHOP OFF THE HEADS OF ALL YOUR DAFFODILS!!
-yeh that was ok, didn't think much of the last threat though. i don't
think mongers have gardens.
-you might be right but anyway they get the message.
-good......i'm getting a headache i'm off, see ya
-me too, see ya

Nobody must post a reply to this thread by order of the thread munchkins!! This is an attempt to get a thread declassified and into the archives in world record time.Be warned,STAY AWAY!!!!!

[Mr Shagmeister]

-wot the fuck's going on?
-dunno pal
-it's been over 7 days now and this stupid thread hasn't been declassified yet! i want to be in the friggin guiness book of friggin records!
-me too. call the moderators.
-HEY MODERATORS!!! COME OVER HERE TO THE THAILAND SECTION WE'VE GOT AN URGENT PROBLEM!!
-................hey i've been looking around and there was one thread that someone posted on here that never got a reply,
-yeh?
-yeh, it was about car rental in esarn.
-no worries then.
-why?
-obviously a limbo thread
-a limbo thread! wot's that?
-an blatant attempt to post a thread so boring that nobody will ever read it.
-in order to get super fast declassification you mean?
-yes
-very cunning.............wot else do moderators do apart from declassifying threads and stopping members killing each other? i mean there aren't that many guys on here threatening to disembowel one another.
-they float around looking for naughty pictures so they can have a wank.
-well they take longer to wank than i do, we've been waiting 5 minutes already and nobody's shown up
-you would take longer to wank if you had their job.
-why?
-cause they're at it 24/7, they end up suffering from repetitive moderators syndrome.
-wot's that?
-a very sore dick.
-nasty.
-but they are very public spirited professionals. they keep beating the meat no matter how much it hurts............one of them will be along shortly.
-good..............but why don't they use baby oil or talcum powder to ease the pain?
-not allowed
-why's it not allowed?
-it's against the moderators code of conduct. they have to remain in contact with, and in complete control of, their foreskin at all times......or they are stripped of moderator status.
-blimey i never knew it was such a tough job.
-right, they've got to spot limbo threads, declassify threads into archive threads, prevent murders and all while wanking!
-amazing!...........but you forgot their most important duty
-wot's that?
-officially notifying the guinness book of records thread department of a new world record thread.
-that's probably while they're taking so long.
-but wot happens in the unlikely event that some nutter posts a reply right now while we're waiting for the moderator?
-don't fret. it would be called a nuisance post and would be ignored for record purposes
-so i can relax
-deffo
-good............i hope he finishes wanking soon, i hope he comes through the pain barrier for us.........do they get paid?
-only in tissues!